seeding dreams

turning the soil to plant fava beans in Khalil Salem Mosque, Dec. 2020

walking a path with taghmees for me has always been, among other things, a personal journey of learning to be a more hospitable person; able to host to a child, biological or otherwise, to love and care for unconditionally without stipulations; to love my child for who they are and not who i would like them to be.  to seed life in hope and hope in life, willingly, consciously, without regret, but not necessarily without fear

having a child seemed the impossible dream, for no reason beyond how difficult it is to dream of a good life for any potential offspring and all future generations; what kind of world they will be inheriting, what kind of wounds they will be needed to heal and heal from… it’s still seems overwhelming to contemplate, even having endeavored the impossible and offered myself up to mother a child who chose to walk this foggy road alongside me (as well as all the family he chooses and is chosen by throughout his life)

for me, it began when she wove a blanket and planted a seed.  a simple act, a subtle invitation for a buried dream to waken, stretch unfold. pastel and playful, colors of a child undefined.  my two legs flying in the air (like a compass, having lost its compass) caught the woven thread, turning into needles, swept away in folds of fabric, patience, and persistence.  adding thread to that blanket, that’s how i became a biological mother, feet grounded in the soil of my seed, which spread beyond the horizon returning to meet itself. that’s where I’ve been for a while now… being born into motherhood, while attempting to integrate my life’s passions into this space of life creation and mutual care-giving

writing here is yet another attempt, one that doesn’t necessarily require the commitment of others, while very much making them present if called. so many have already come and passed in between these few and many lines, scenting my words with their voices, reminding me subtly, concretely, of things so easily forgotten.  i am also aware that maybe at this point i need to start making more sense to any others that aren’t residing in me. because along with learning more about myself, taghmees is also about learning with others, in community, in life, with nature.  Living, nurturing our relationships in all forms, and finding learning in and reorienting failure, have all been sources of knowledge creation and experience, as shared through stories, food, labor, and unfolding

i have never been so fully immersed in taghmees than i have been since having stepped away. but now with the threat of corona having driven us so deeply into ourselves for so long, i feel drawn to step outside of myself and stretch.  i once again feel eager to hear other voices that are not mere echoes; to be more than an echo myself.  i’ve learned that learning to be a parent is a full-time job, but for me, taghmees in its truest form has always been work you enjoy doing with family, friends, loved ones, and ahel

so in the spirit of setting intentions, allowing the dead to rest and making way for new life, we continue walking bravely (because we are not without fear) towards the unknown.  always with renewed hope, because we’ve planted so many seeds – in the soil, in each other, and in ourselves – and with a little care, they/we may well grow.  inshallah khair

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